Not legal advice from a lawyer, but:
Unless you have suicidal legal tendencies, never, never, never, open your mouth to a cop. Did I say never?
Never allow a cop into your house unless there is a warrant. And, even then, call a lawyer. Can you decipher a warrant? Like handcuffs?
If your child is involved. Never, never, allow a cop to speak with your child. What they say will not be used to help your child.
Have excuses? See above: Shut the fuck up.
Offer nothing. Protect your rights. Here is more:
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Badges, We Don't Need No Stinking Badges
What to do if you are stopped or otherwise intercepted by police, immigration agents, the FBI, Matt Dillon, Dirty Harry, or anyone else with a badge. Take what seems useful, discard the rest. Good luck.
Your Rights:
- You have the right to remain silent. If you wish to exercise that right, say so in a polite way to be heard. Then shut the fuck up.
- You have the right to refuse to consent to a search of yourself (including your orifices), your car, your home, your cave, your fish shack, and your tree house.
- If you are armed, with your license, registration, and proof of insurance, include your concealed carry permit. Do not in an attempt to be cooperative show your weapon, as small as it may be. You might be dead, real soon.
- If you are not under arrest, you have the right to calmly leave. Doing a burn out is not recommended. And, wait until later to give them the finger. There are many Fergusons.
- You have the right to a lawyer if you are arrested. Ask for one immediately. You might not get Clarence Darrow, but do you know the law? At least a jerk lawyer will buy you some time.
- Regardless of your status, you have constitutional rights. Well, maybe not in Alabama or Texas. Good luck if you are black in Alabama or Texas. Recommendation: move. U-Hauls are not that expensive. I will chip in a few bucks. Those are nasty states, but I digress.
Your Responsibilities:
- Remain in the vehicle. If you are sober, high, or drunk (or just plain out nuts), you can only make things worse by getting out. Keep your ass put, realizing that if you are drunk or high rational thought probably was left way behind. Sober people should be at home. If you are nuts, you should be in a home.
- Keep you hands visible on the steering wheel: at 10 and 2. With respect to other body parts, use common sense. Trying to zip your fly might get you shot. If your tits are hanging out, there could be probable cause. If you have passengers, tell them to remain in the vehicle and to shut the fuck up. If they try to explain why your fly was down or why your tits were exposed, you all are going to face his honor. Want that?
- Stay calm and be polite. Nodding (positive) or shaking (negative) is polite, but still might get your head busted.
- Do not interfere with or obstruct the police. But do not take abuse; realizing, of course, that this might get your head busted.
- Do not lie (see above -- shut the fuck up); or give false documents. Actually, if you are carrying false documents, you have problems beyond the scope of this little lesson in constitutional rights.
- Remember the details of the encounter. Take photos if possible. But, selfies of you puking up a dozen Bud Lights probably would not be good.
- File a written complaint or call a lawyer if you feel your rights have been violated. Many are available who will take your case with no charge. Others will steal you blind.
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Notwithstanding all the above, the advice of an old lawyer still reverberates in my alleged mind: "A night in jail is better than being dead." You be the judge. Good luck.
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